Hi ,
This is about my anxiety and depression. I know what people thinking like I can always talk to them about how I feel and they will always be there. The truth is I do not want to talk. What I really feel like is drowning where my head still up grasping the air. The problem people think I need help the truth is I don't want help or talk about it. I am sick of attachment, people wanna help me thinking I am the mystery girl where they wanna peel every layer of pain thinking they can undo the damage. Why am I in this endless pain cycle? duh is because you think you can save me when I don't want to save I just wanna suppress every pain and trauma I have in life. You think go through my pain with me will help me? No, maybe you go through till the end without judging or thinking is easy will be cool. The problem with people is they deal with your messed up head and then decide ahh too much I can't deal with her I just gonna go live my life. Don't you think the damage is more fucked up? Like wtf? I can't blame people who decide to leave when I am too much to deal with but can you imagine how it feels? People leaving me after attachment built is the worst. Like how am I supposed to survive with my another mental break down after always having someone I can depend on to help go through shit and soothe my pain? I been through so much pain, when people betray or decide to leave me hanging you re just pushing me to the suicide door. I gone through shit time finding myself in a constant loop of suicide where I have to pull myself together and people decide to come back to my life? Like wtf who the fuck you think you re? I survive not because of any fuckers but myself, I am stronger than ever now. Mental break down okay fine I will just cry and calm myself down. You think I will come to any of you? begging for you to soothe my pain?
I feel guilty, I can't and won't let the person I love and love me to be there for me. I rather talk to a stranger because I know I probably won't meet them again where there is no attachment build. I rather talk to the therapist to see me as a client and probably won't have any attachment after I walk out of the office. I don't hate you all, I just really feel better dealing with everything alone. also sorry to some fucker out there if I don't need you anymore and I thanks whoever been there for me. There is nothing else I can say but thank you please do not expect anything more. I was weak in the past, but after going through the hell, I survive and I will always remember the feeling I gone through to walk out the hell door. I would like to suppress the trauma that surface such as my childhood ..especially the sexual assault during my childhood. I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me, thank you.
I feel safe in my drowning state so don't keep on trying i will not opened up again to any of you. The problem is not you but I just hate the attachment so much. like i fucking fucking fucking hate it. I mean it . :) enjoy your life too.