Drowning

 Hi ,

This is about my anxiety and depression. I know what people thinking like I can always talk to them about how I feel and they will always be there. The truth is I do not want to talk. What I really feel like is drowning where my head still up grasping the air. The problem people think I need help the truth is I don't want help or talk about it. I am sick of attachment, people wanna help me thinking I am the mystery girl where they wanna peel every layer of pain thinking they can undo the damage. Why am I in this endless pain cycle? duh is because you think you can save me when I don't want to save I just wanna suppress every pain and trauma I have in life. You think go through my pain with me will help me? No, maybe you go through till the end without judging or thinking is easy will be cool. The problem with people is they deal with your messed up head and then decide ahh too much I can't deal with her I just gonna go live my life. Don't you think the damage is more fucked up? Like wtf? I can't blame people who decide to leave when I am too much to deal with but can you imagine how it feels? People leaving me after attachment built is the worst. Like how am I supposed to survive with my another mental break down after always having someone I can depend on to help go through shit and soothe my pain? I been through so much pain, when people betray or decide to leave me hanging you re just pushing me to the suicide door. I gone through shit time finding myself in a constant loop of suicide where I have to pull myself together and people decide to come back to my life? Like wtf who the fuck you think you re? I survive not because of any fuckers but myself, I am stronger than ever now. Mental break down  okay fine I will just cry and calm myself down. You think I will come to any of you? begging for you to soothe my pain? 

I feel guilty, I can't and won't let the person I love and love me to be there for me. I rather talk to a stranger because I know I probably won't meet them again where there is no attachment build. I rather talk to the therapist to see me as a client and probably won't have any attachment after I walk out of the office. I don't hate you all, I just really feel better dealing with everything alone. also sorry to some fucker out there if I don't need you anymore and I thanks whoever been there for me. There is nothing else I can say but thank you please do not expect anything more. I was weak in the past, but after going through the hell, I survive and I will always remember the feeling I gone through to walk out the hell door. I would like to suppress the trauma that surface such as my childhood ..especially the sexual assault during my childhood. I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me, thank you. 

I feel safe in my drowning state so don't keep on trying i will not opened up again to any of you. The problem is not you but I just hate the attachment so much. like i fucking fucking fucking hate it. I mean it .  :)  enjoy your life too. 

Hello Guys

HI ,

I am back. So I have been gone for a year now ? I am doing fine now I think. Recently I got few episodes of mental breakdown but all due to my assignment like ya hell. I went back Malaysia for Raya now I am poor as fuck. Anyway life update.

I got back with my ex, all happen after I to try talk and found out the true and did help me a lot. Is my choice really I wanna get back and forgive. I don't regret even there are people asking if I am sure. Life is worth a risk. If he gonna waste my few years of my youth why not? Is not that I am getting marry. He did rush me to get marry soon the reasons I don't want to is I am busy finishing my diploma now and next year finger cross get into Uni maybe? I hope Uni accept me tho, this is the life of a 21 lady worrying about everything like she is in mid 30.

Tolong aku betul betul nak cepat habis belajar masuk alam kerja then jumpa manusia yg bertopeng.  Macam mana wei kalau uni yg entry requirement rendah pun tk benarkn aku masuk. Aku bukan la bodoh sgt tapi aku apply 5 uni. Like semua uni top 100 sial yg aku apply. So like 3 of them the entry requirement are really high and there are good uni in UK. 2 lagi uni biasa biasa mcm backup la. Aku just harap dapat tawaran dri 2 uni tu sblm habis course tak ada aku risau sangat. Mampu ke aku carry course aku di uni nanti. I am really stressing myself out. Aku sekarang tgh buat diploma Business course express ni so boleh byngkn assignment aku camna kan? like org ambik 2 tahun aku ambik lebih kurang dari 1 tahun. So push assignments bagi siap, kaki last minute. System college pulak mcm tak teratur . Dalam course aku ni yg start dri bulan 9 lecture aku da dua org da tinggalkn course.
HAHA cikgu pun meluat dgn kami semua. Kawan sma group dgn aku pulak sebulan tak muncul, like aku rasa ala tak mungkin akan ada student like dropout kan. Memang la susah sikit tapi tak teruk kowt.

My expectation is wrong, ada Budak betul betul nak dropout. Next semester memang byk muka yg hilang. Aku just harap aku ni mampu masuk Uni je. Like sekarang memang aku busy busy smpai takde masa nak gado dgn mif. Like baru baru ada gado sikit dgn mif bnda remah cmtu aku takda masa nk gi pujuk bukan sbb tak syg tapi aku tak ada masa. Imagine la satu hari aku minum 2-3 kopi . But the worst thing is I am addicted to pubg mobile. Like dulu pernh addicted smpai pagi bru tido now aku start main . Teruk gak hari hari wajib main tambuh pulak ada kawan dlm tu. Usually aku main dgn geng Indonesia sbb diaorg friendly, korang ingt semua Indonesian benci Malaysian ke ? Aku pernh main dgn geng Malaysia serious perngai yg pentingkn diri nak mampus terus main dgn bdk Indonesia. Tapi ada juga geng team org  Malaysiakn. Polish Bahasa kedah and Bahasa Indonesia at the same time. Aku dah lama tak cakap bhsa Indonesia, recently my grandma belah Indonesia past away even kami tak berapa rapat but org dia sangat baik da hmpir 10 thun aku tak jejak ke tanah Medan waktu balik Malaysia aku teman mama balik . I hope my mama is doing fine now is a painful lost for all of us.

Kali ni aku balik Malaysia, aku jumpa geng aku, kami ambik gambr pose sebijik mcm waktu kat high school. Rupanya aku da makin tua, hahahahaha dan makin gemuk. I think dlm sethun ni aku struggle dgn hormone badly but sekarang lepas aku stop consume hormone tu .Bdn aku mcm slowly restart balik, so yup is a good news. Aku balik Malaysia dpt jumpa penerima hati Carmen, dia bawak stethoscope for me to listen to the heartbeat and we manage to have chat about organ donation and the struggle is real before and after. So is really eye opening. Bye nk tido esok smbung assignments .  

bye

hey.

this might be the last post in this blog. i might clear up this blog i moving to somewhere new place.Take care bye.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN BY ERIC ZHOU

May I share this song?Because it was super best hahaha. I do not own this song and the translated lyrics credit to the owner.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN BY ERIC ZHOU 

Is it still that you love to be late?

Staying up late to work, unable to sleep?

I wait for you to fulfill your dream,

So that you'll stop pushing yourself so hard.

It's my fault,

My pride was too high, I didn't take good care of you.

Pride is fragile,

And my greatest fear was that you didn't want my heart.

 

Can you still cry to me, smile with me, be nice to me?

Still make me think of you, be crazy about you, grow old with you?

How have you been? I really want to know,

Don't rush to throw the memories away.

 

I just need you to be with me, to argue with me, to get in trouble with me,

Let the good me replace the bad me,

I need to hear you say that you really love me,

But I can't go back to that moment,

How have you been?

 

Heaven knows I can't take it anymore,

Regret is drilling into my heart and burning,

Even embracing you just one more time would be fine,

Whatever you want, I would do it.

 

Can you still cry to me, smile with me, be nice to me?

Still let me think of you, be crazy about you, grow old with you?

All the good I gave to you, do you still want it?

Yet I dare not hear the answer,

 

I just need you to be with me, to argue with me, to get in trouble with me,

Don't use leaving me to teach me the lesson of losing someone important,

Don't say you used to love me,

Let us go back to that one moment,

How have you been?

 

Can you still cry to me, smile at me, be nice to me?

Still, let me think of you, be crazy about you, grow old with you?

How have you been? I need to know,

Don't rush to throw away my love.

 

I just need you to be with me, to argue with me, to get in trouble with me,

Don't use leaving me to teach me the lesson of losing someone important,

Don't say you used to love me,

Let us go back to that one moment,

How have you been?

......................................................................................................................................

There are two songs that I feel so related and the others of his songs are very nice. His first song i listen to is 'Lets Not Be Friends Anymore' after since that I enjoyed listening to all his songs. He went to sunway carnival before i eat my heart out because i cant meet him . omg damn it dohh . Lagu dia rasa related sngat sbb pernah lalui seperti dlm lirik . I hope you will listen to it. 'Lets Not Be Friends Anymore' & 'How Have You Been' are things i feel and wanna say it out that i can't. I don't know why i have been emotional and wanted to cry listening and reading the lyrics . But i will be fine soon. can i say something ? I don't want to forget you . Yes I miss you , i still care about you but i have to let go .keep on telling myself to forget but when i was really serious i wanna cry how could i forget everything that so amazing ever happen to my life because of you . I wish i could turn back times and fix everything hahaha nahh 

Birthday Goal .

Hi everyone

I got one wishes is that never ever celebrate my birthday at Malaysia , benda normal l. Just sedih bila orang sngaja ingatkn birthday semata mata nak bagitahu dia tak akan bagi hadiah kat kau . Is ok aku faham ekonomi negara teruk tak perlu pun susah payah beli hadiah . At least kau cuba buat aku happy or jadi orang pertama wish aku pun dah happy . Aku cuba tiap tahun org first wish kau . Even tahun lepas aku kat UK aku kerja aku still cri peluang jadi orang first wish kau waktu birthday kau . I might not be there but i did put my effort on somebody i love . Benda terharu waktu birthday aku dari malaysia tahun lepas ialah ecah dia buat video khas untuk birthday aku . i feel so down but i realized i waste most of times focusing on the wrong friends and people .  Bersyukur gila ada kawan mcm ecah , tiap kali kalau dia nampak aku tweet emo kat twitter mesti dia akan Dm ambik berat pasal aku . Aku akan ingt friendship kami sampai bila2 . Why jess ? Why you care and put effort on people that never will care .Tapi aku ada seorang kawan dri sekolah rendah Yi Jing dia tak pernh miss wish aku tiap tahun . She is a very good friend dia akan nasihatkn aku straight forward. Sometimes i put effort on people to let them know they re special . even aku paling lemah nk ingt nombor birthday semua .Tapi percaya  . Sekarang texting adik aku dia terjumpa seekor kucing yg kenal langgar da tinggal nyawa  nyawa ikan . I wish i was there , i could hug the cat let him feel he is loved sblm dia hembus nafas terakhir . arghhhhhh stressnya . Nanti balik malaysia nak bagi kucing and anjing stray makan . Aku ada terjumpa fb seorang akak ni . dia muslim but serious dia bukan bantu stray cat je tapi anjing and pernah nampak dia post gmbr dia dgn bdk2 kurang berupaya semua  alangkan baiknya balik malaysia boleh face2 face jumpa dia . Even kat fb tak rapat just pernh sma sma gado marah org yg tak ada belas kasihan pda haiwan . tabik serious dari mereka yg acah muslimah tpi jumpa stray dog je hina mcm depa tu halal n bagus sgt . sis nak muntah kay .okay bye ,. kepada manusia yg perasan diri bgus sngt dok pandang hina kat anjing semua tolong la sedar diri . Kau pun tak halal tak pernh buat kerja haram ? couple smeua tak pernh ke ? hipokrit mohon pupus , depan lelaki pijak semut tak mati tapi nampak anjing pergh mata jeling jeling meluat aku tgk . oh yes hri ni hari ke4 ke 5 tah aku puasa :) pls duit raya tahun ni pls . hahahahahahahahaha

losing bff hurt

hi ,

I think I'm over it , but it still make me sober when everytime he appeared on my mind . I can accept we re over . I don't wish you ever come back to me again I hope that you will be happy with the life you re having now . I feel sucks . When i feel terrible and low then your name appear on my mind , I wish i could ask you to call me and talk for an hour without feeling bored and tired like we used to do. I regret so many things when i think back if only i can turn back time i will . .

Tak semua benda boleh diganti , kawan yg baik lagi la .Tak sangka kehilangan kawan baik boleh sakit mcm ni . Sakit sangat2 bila org relax gurau awk kn bff sya padahal kita tau bukan . everything had past . Memang sedih kehilangan dia sbagai kekasih but lagi sakit bila dia bukan setakat kekasih tapi kawan baik yg pernh bersama dgn kau lalui saat kau paling low dlm life.Yes every friendship end for a reason . I feel wanna cry , dlm 2 tahun ni , aku jadi lain selagi boleh tahan aku telan semuanya sbb takut aku jadi lost bila kawan baik aku bukan lagi kawan even sampai tak ada  keberanian nak tegur & bila tegur bru nak luah rasa cam dah la jess just forget it ,org  tak kisah pun kau tu sedih mana.Dalam hampir 2 tahun aku jarang nak luah kat org tpi slow slow bljr luah kat member dlm france army sbb semua perempuan kn ..Aku tak tau kenapa aku perlu sedih sgt bila teringat ex bff aku ni , tabah wahai jess everything will be fine , dia pun relax happy je tanpa kau sbgai kawan baik jess oii . bangun pls !! 

kalau masa boleh diundur mungkin aku akan pilih first , sedar dari awal yg selama ni dia suka kat aku and balas perasaan dia or second choice aku pilih trus buat bodoh dn abaikn hint dia . Kan best kalau kita tak start bercinta ? Tak perlu sampai skrg nak cakap pun segan dn susah . takdir tuhan maybe ada hikmatnya . :) Aku tak ley wei bukan aku tak nak , bukan aku benci bukan aku sombong tapi aku tak mampu berat bgi aku . Serabut pala fikir nasib baik ada ecah hahahahaha . Tak salah jadi bff dgn ex kau sendiri but susah sgt bila kau btul2 pernh jatuh cinta dekat dia and many thing happen btw both of you. It took me 4 YEARS ! to realized my bff fall in love with me and I destroy everything within a year .Omg bodohnya aku hahahahahahahah.Aku pernh try buat normal balik mcm kami kawan dulu cuba luah kat dia bila aku sedih tpi aku tau cara dia balas dia tak kisah pun mampus pi kat aku right hahahaha !!So i find my own way :) sini tak ada stray cat kalau ada mesti da pergi bgi makan and automatic mood akan jdi better

She paints a pretty picture ,
But the story has a twist,
Her paint brush is a razor ,
And her canvas is her wrist ,
She paints a pretty picture ,
In a colour that's blood red ,
She ends up finally died ,
Her pretty pictures fading
Quite slowly on her arm ,
The blood is not racing through her ,
She can no longer do harm ,
She painted her pretty picture ,
But her mind was her razor
And her heart was her wrist . 

Sorry ni aku baca dari wattpad and find it really disturbing my mind . Like super deep arghh . Suka tapi seram at the same time . Luckily aku dah tak stress . I find many notes about suicide i wish i found it earlier waktu aku sekolah rendah kan best ? Mungkin aku skrg aku da penuh parut dekat tangan and paha . self harm is wrong yup setuju kenapa nak cedera kn diri sndiri right ? But those people don't understand , kau tak faham . Her mind was monster , sakit physical tak sesakit mental yg lalui . Not everyone that cut themselves re stupid they re just innocent girl who decide not to let her pain hurt others while other judge her . Sometimes  cutting themselve turn into addiction because it is the only way they know to distract themselve ftrom the demon in them . Aku pernah banyak kali juga aku sedih , kecewa, putus cinta , low , diabaikn and etcs , kau nak tnya sakit aku cmna ? Sampai aku rasa waist aku bergetaq crying ask me to end it . bhgian waist urat tu bergetaq is real and i have to try cry silently tahan semuanya aku rasa nak jerit stop it !!!!but i end up crying till i fall a sleep . Tambah2 masalah family i kinda emo emo kid . Tu je la , Be kind to other , kalau kau tgk perempuan pernh parut bhgian wrist bgi dia semngat jgn pndng rendah kat mereka kay :)

She

"Cold hearted , egoistic". She is broken
Her chin stayed up every time she walks  .
Her aura and energy can be felt every time everyone pass by her .
She love staying up at the top of buildings at night by herself.
No man could handle her , she will not lets anyone handle her .
She is the most difficult pieces among the rest .
The world ripped the demon out of her .
She used to think the world is a part of heaven ,
But now to her hell is a part of the world.
She refused to let anyone own her .
Because she know they turned out to be him .
She let the devil in her take over her .
She is not longer having faith and trust in anyone.

She was once ready to let him stay permanent in her life
But to him , she was just a toy and trophy .
He lied , he take advantages of her innocent .
He throw her away like a rubbish when he got whatever he want from her
She begged him not to leave ,
But he wouldn't not stay because he got what he want
He say 'I prefer to be single'
The words still stay in her mind till now.
Few weeks later , he found his new toy.
But the girl break his heart
She feel sad for him .
But she know he will never sincerely love her
She stayed in the corner and watch him slowly broken
Her hearts break too..

Years and years
Her feeling fade .
But she can never forget what he told her
The scars was permanent.
She sure this time gonna work out
But yet this time she was wrong again
He leave , when the time she need him the most.


OK malas da .hahaha tak ada inspirasi for now

Actually apa aku tulis semua inspirasi dari heart break aku yg pertama . Yes he is jerk . Dia janji aku macam macam , i give up myself to him completely but tu la janji tinggal janji je la . Entah kenapa aku dulu serious sangat dgn dia padahal tak pernah jumpa and to be honest luka yg dia berikan sehingga skrg aku ingat yg beza hati aku da lama tak ada perasaan untuk dia . Aku sedar satu benda , lelaki cakap apa pun just lanca* don't give a damn and be too serious . Unless memang dia bawa kau jumpa parent kenalkn kau sebagai bakal bini dia maybe that the time kau serious . Lepas ni tak kisah laki mana aku bercinta or bersama aku just play along . amalkn amalan mampus pi , janji segala benda masuk seblh kanan keluar sebelah kiri . Sebab terlalu full of bullshit bila teringat balik boleh muntah segala janji entah apa apa je .fuckoff . btw teacher parames da jadi convert i be like waaaa cikgu solehah . nanti ada peluang raya nak cari teacher heeee

2017 will you stay ?

dear 2017,


I know you won't be nice after few month, you will treat me like shit push me to the lowest point and my limit just like how 2016 betray me haha haha . I know your ,  shit trick haha. Jujurlah every year still same shit , kau tu haa yang dok baca , sama je macam tahun lepas  meremput hidup kau .



Ada seorang manusia ni , aku sendiri confused . He hurt me so much , but at the same time he bring so much happiness in my life . Aku pernah lukai dia kaw kaw , aku seksa dia dari segi mental and fizikal (tampar) . Trust me , bila aku naik angin , jangan cuba pegang aku sebab nak tenangkan aku , kaki tangan semua naik . Aku jarang pernah naik angin sampai macam ni , and yes dia seorang saja pernah kena . Kesian right? Dia pernah lukai aku sampai aku hilang keyakinan aku , aku tertanya pada diri aku , sebab aku tak secantik dia  ? sebab aku tak kurus ke macam dia ? Yes  , bnda ni mengakibatkan aku sampai sekarang still akan nangis bila gaduh benda kecil . Tapi aku sedar bertahun lalu benda ni , aku tak layak hukum dia selamanya but sakit tu still wujud sampai hari ini. Sekarang aku betul betul happy dia ada  dalam hidup aku , sebab aku tahu dia lah manusia yang mampu terima aku buruk perangai aku and bila aku at the lowest point of life he will stay he won't leave , he go through with me . Lelaki macam ni susah nak jumpa , dia tak sempurna pun but girls jangan lupa lelaki sempurna tak wujud dah . Sama juga perempuan sempurna tak wujud juga.He will tell you that you re beautiful lepas muka mcm nangis 10 jam mahupun muka kau baru bangun tidur . He have flaws , but i enjoyed watching all his flaws because that make me realized he accept my flaws with an open heart . Terharu , dia sanggup buat macam macam untuk aku . Tak semua lelaki mampu , but dia mampu . Bila dengar aku tak sihat , fav air , ubat , makanan mesti sampai depan rumah . To be honest , i know im so young but if i can choose i would choose him as my soulmate .
Ramai orang cakp kau muda lagi relax banyak lagi lelaki , bla bla ada yang kutuk aku hodoh tapi dok pujuk aku bercinta dengan anak dia . Memang no way , sekarang tak kira siapa pun  even first love aku kim jaejoong datang sekali i stand still here with him even ex bestfriend aku sekali pun . I try to make myself to fall in love with him more and more . :) Girls if man don't treat you right , please make sure you know where you deserve . Aku still phobia nak kahwin awal tambah lepas tgk si azrin bini tgh mengandung sanggup kahwin lagi ehhh , kau ni lelaki jenis apa ? pftt like shit sangat .


Jangan jadi pihak ketiga and jangan hancur kebahagian orang lain semata mata kebaikan sendiri . Sanggup jadi madu orang . ME? sorry lah fuck yourself please . I deserve better , jangan harap aku share lelaki aku . hahahaa kecuali .. :)




Aku selalu teringin nak tengok dia pakai tak apa ada peluang nanti :D he is so charming , lepas kena paksa pakai bracess dengan aku and mak(mif mom) hohoho


hopefully kita boleh stay sampai ke tua :D  so cute and charming hee



Aku calar muka sampai tinggal parut kalau berani mengorat dia . HOHOHO !

Short hair again

hello

apa khabar semua? I just get my hair cut few week ago, because the weather here is getting cold and I'm tired washing my hair daily and blow dry them in such a long length of hair. Besides, I had dyed my hair black just to let my hair look more alive. hmm, i started to miss my long hair hahaha. looking forward meeting my long hair next summer .  Im happy i could saved a lot of times right now and less stressful blow dry my hair. so what you guys think about it ? haha . I hated it ,  i didn't purposely ternampak fb kawan lama aku tu at suggestion , lalu aku pergi tekan aku jadi stress . Bro tukar la gambar tu boleh ? bukan apa memang tak ada kaitan dgn aku buat just hate it because ada something dlm gmbr tu . banyak lgi kn gmbr kau ada, gmbr bayi la , awek kau la , gmbr kau la . semo ga bro ni baca entry ni. byee everyone muacks. sekarang tengah layan cerita 7 hari mencintaiku , smbil tunggu smbungn aduii stress arr . Lelaki mcm kuzairi tak akan  ada lagi ye para wanita luar sana . kalau ada pun da jadi suami orang okay

I wish I could let go the pain. I think is not my fault , it just my PMS. Lebih kurang setahun lebih dah , jess tolong la stop , mampu ke aku lupakan dia ? or he just took a part of me forever with him . kenapa mudah sangat ? pertemuan yg cukup singkat da mampu ganggu fikiran wlpun benda berlalu almost setahun , tetapi terasa seperti semalam bru berlaku . Aku rasa masa akan mengubah segalanya. i wonder did i ever appear on your mind , but haha kalau ada so what ? kenapa jess kau nak fikir benda tak berfaedah ? buang masa je . sepatutnya kau dialysis hati kau agar doakan kebahagian orng lain . Tak apa aku cuba . teringat sangat kat dia bila dgr lagu vierra . setidaknya kamu sempat menjadi miliku . ingin ku mengejar dirimu , menggengam erat tanganmu , sungguh ku tak rela .. maka sekuat tenagaku ku relakan saat kepergianmu , di saat terakhirku menatap wajah itu , terpejam kedua mata dan terbang segalanya .aku rasa bersalah sbb masih tak mampu lepaskan semua kenangan aku dan dia , sebab aku da menjadi milik orng dan dia pun jdi milik orang lain. tak apa aku kuat aku percaya aku mampu mungkin bukan sekarang tpi suatu hari nnti . i feel like im too selfish when i wish you still remember me . mungkin dia cuma manusia yg tuhan hadirkan untuk bersama ku ketika ku sedih dahulu dn ketika aku tak berfikiran matang . tak pa everything is fixed and fated .aku jdi teringat kat dia sbb drama 7 hari mencintaiku , cara lelaki watak utama ckp mcm cara dia cakap .  hahahaha da da be happy always jess heeeee

berletaq

hai reader ,


I have a dream today . It was a nightmare when i woke up . In this dream , i saw my best friend . Kenapa aku cakap nightmare ? Sebab bila bangun realised kami bukan kawan lagi . Actually aku pun tak faham macam mana dia tiba tiba boleh muncul when the last name i remember bukan dia but Mif haha tapi tak apa permainan mimpi saja , at the end of the dream we choose our own paths . I dont really benci dia sebenarnya , i can't , i wish i could hahaha . But i think heart feeling does not really ,matter a lot . Aku rasa yg penting is find that someone yang tak akan pernah tinggalkn kau saat kau at the lowest point of life . Actually tak perlu pun cintakan seseorang 100% sampai tak ada ruang cinta diri sendiri . That is why you get hurt .To be honest if kali ni our relationship didn't make it , what i will do is very simple , i will try again see if there are any chances for me to fix it and i will wait. I will stop waiting when he find someone new . Because that really show that the end . Aku normal tak mulakan relationship kalau aku still ada perasaan at ex lover kecuali dia da jumpa orang lain aku trus break down and cakap ok , gave others a chance . However if Mif ever had someone new , i will be so broken but if that someone can give him what i can't then i hope they make it till the end .
Why ? Because i there are too many thing i can't do , i don't want get married in young age because i wanna my life settle down and stable and i even start thinking perkhawinan just a tradisi as long we re happy together that is enough . Ada sikit phobia tentang perkhawinan too many stories had been heard . Second aku suka stay sini i don't mind long distance marriage but he do . Third , aku tak suka di control aku kadang2 ok then kadang2 gila . I'm so hard to be handle . Sorry but i hope we make it . Aku just lebih utamakan kerjaya i just hope family stay dalam keadaan senang . Lagi satu aku bukan house wife material why? kau nak aku give up kerjaya untuk perkhawinan . To me lelaki yg baru khawin gedik nak suruh bini stop berkerja ni agak selfish , kalau bini kau preggy aku still ok la . Ni sebb kau jealous , please sedar diri , gaji kau 6 angkah sebulan boleh juga . Aku tgk byk kes at Malaysia laki tinggalkn bini and bini have nothing left just herself and the child . So , kepada awek jelita luar sana especially and highly educated think twice maybe ? Kalau kau dari family yg jnis boleh tahan tak apala juga .nothing to say . But kalau aku , seorang bini highly educated , i will try to use my knowledge to helps others , jgn sia siakan .Girls byk perempuan luar sana tak ada chances belajar tinggi tinggi sbb masalah kewangan . Kau ? hmm fikirlah sendiri jangan kau sbb nafsu , byk kawin awal end up awal gak haha . sbb puaskan nafsu je kowt i don't know .

 Lagi satu yang baru break up please calm down , jangan terburu buru pergi couple sesiapa saja because you just gonna hurt yourself again . You not gonna happy spent sometimes love yourself appreciate yourself . I wish i could hold you again as the last time but i worry i gonna end up to be clingy

BOREDDDDD

hello everyone ,


I'M BACK !Without knowing what to share but maybe go randomly ? So this gonna be a random memo from the soul that flow and lost with the rhythm of music okay ? okay. Wow . I need to increase the volume to max for me able to express words

Please give me some ideas I'm out of idea

gambar last mcm lilymac sikittttt . suka gila gambar ni . I really can't do it . I will love my hair always. This long hair just new beginning to me . The short hair innocent girl that made few silly choices in life re no longer here . The short hair girl that can't be independent and unable to say No re gone . The short hair girl that always seem pure and cheerful from somebody heart re gone . Now , I'm just the long hair girl that would love the repeat the mistakes i made during i was short hair . ahahahahahahahahahhahahaha troll XD LMAO BYEEEEE

meeting my eldest sister and brother

helo ,


apa khabar semua ? . so my blog will be under construction . Just decide to change my blog template and everything .This is old template actually boleh tgk gmbr aku dgn miftah tu gmbr lama berzaman so ya. Yes ni first time jumpa kakak tiri and abang tiri .Kami sebenarnya tak ada talian darah but for me aku nak jadikan mereka mcm kak and abang aku sendiri . Mereka datang ke leeds bercuti .Kak aku tinggal sebilik dgn aku whle abng aku dia tempah hotel dgn seorang kwn dia . kami memang so far ok boleh bergaul just nothing much to say . Semalam aku cuti tak kerja , aku ikut diaorng pergi jalan jalan . Ikut cousin aku , belah bapa tiri aku memang penat tapi seronok. Haa satu benda Tiger anak kucing aku dah sihat risau benda jadi kat bao bei anak kucing aku dulu terjadi . Aku boleh nangis berjam jam . so lega hee. Semalam ke blackpool , serious best . aku pergi museum . and korang tahu aku actually tak pernah naik roller coster haha . so semalam first time tapi roller coster hat budak budak yg dewasa yg 90 darjah aku tak naik sbb tak ready and kesuntukan masa but aku akan try .Jujur aku bukan berani la tapi aku tak nak kalah mcm why not lelaki berani buat tak akan aku tak berani ? tapi ketaq juga kadang2 bukan semua bnda aku nak bandingkn dri dgn lelaki. semalam first time masuk rmah hantu , sblm masuk rumah hntu yg jenis ride ni first time arr kiranya . yg first kami masuk tak scary dia ada orang guide and dia mcm rumah punishment so not that bad . tapi rumah hantu kedua tu memang scary first beratur aku orang pertama . Aku ketaq weii ! aku tukar dgn abng tiri aku haha aku duk tgh and seorang kwn dia lgi kat belakang . kak aku dn sepupu tak ikut . just kami tiga . then ada sekumpulan perempuan kat belakang . memang seram ar aku jalan tunduk bawah banyak . sampai stu part scary is bila dia sampai bila view mcm hospital lantai ada darah lepas tu lampu lip lap lip lap dup dup da hati tiba tiba lelaki muncul dgn muka tutup pakai mask pgn pisau tu scary then tiba tiba dia tekan button blackout terus perghhh . ni seram gelap terus memang completely gelap bila lampu ada balik laki tu da hilang then kami mcm teragak agak nak ke dpn then belakang perempuan start jerit aduh apalagi jalan cepat laa then nak lepas bilik tu kena lalu laluan mayat bergantung dlm plastik real gila .hahah memang belakang byk kena serang aku org kedua dpn so tak teruk haha aku jahat doh aku tolak bro aku yg depan aku ke dpn bila hantu tiba tiba lalu hahah XD so bro  tk selesa pnggil abng mcm nehhh . haha in real life kami tak gelar abng or anything sini still panggil nama is not rude here  .

nnti aku update entry ni lagi dgn gmbr malas sgt nak upload gmbr sorry ye ^^

try new hairstyle

hai everyone .

So hari I try new hairstyle sebelum buat nampak hodoh je now i know how to do it the right way . i kinda addicted to this hairstyle . I think it look so adorable ! So gambar bawah ni semua gambar i perasan cantik so kalau anda ada penyakit , tak puas hati , benci , meluat pada I mohon jangan tengok jangan cakap i tak bagitahu ye :) lagi satu dilarang ambil gambar saya dari blog tanpa kebenaran eak . saya tak halalkan . dilarang save juga untuk edit tanduk la misai la no no no .byeee

before edit

before edit

after filter

after filter 

do you turn into what you want to be?

hello

selamat hari raya saya ucapkan . Do you turn into what you want to be ? Do you? I'm confused . I wanna be a veterinary surgeon . But i don't even know how to start where to start .I feel messed up yet another thing i have a quite high request upon myself but the I'm that high level or really reach the standard yet . I'm so clumsy , i need to kill my clumsiness before other livings . There is a moment i want to be neurosurgeon it was before i met my cat i know quite funny . Like see ya , i want to be veterinary surgeon because i wanna help the stray cat , dogs and etc yet i can't even handle a simple task like animal body is more complicated . I found myself sometimes like to analysis disease and google some symptom of some disease or syndrome . I don't even good at biology but something i interested . I guess i just watch too much drama lately effected by K-drama 'Doctors' and i wanna be like the main character .The girl that can fight and strong with high IQ . Like damn why life so complicated . I guess path to be a veterinary surgeon is not easy, i can't even make decision by myself and i need people to guide me . I'm not a fast learner either , i don't wast my parent money on education like trying thousands of thousands money into the dustbin . I was a little girl who trained well by my father in kicking boxing and i really can fight but look at me know ? I don't even think    i can really escape if a man who is skinny than me try to sexually harras me . where the little strong girl ?i really need to be good protecting myself even probably no one here wanna harm me or do anything sexually to me because im not really super good body and the best part im not pretty either i don't know how to make up haha teheee . so i need go to the bookstore to restore the strength in me find motivation and brought card for my stepfather nehh . I hope i can find a book that bring me calm and peace and strong . Aren't i too greedy ? nahh who care ! gambate !  gambate ! gambate ! go go go !! let the past as a motivation to be someone better , and let future  keep the strength to adventure more and develop a better self of me . be happy cheng cheng cheng !

flashback

hello reader

Apa khabar ? sihat semua cheng cheng . Ada benda nak cerita tentang aisyah .yes aisyah ha dia ni . geng france army geng aku  haha bajet gangster tak ada lah terharu dia buat video birthday untuk aku . aku cam thank you sangat sangat terharu aku save kowt and syaneez pun ada buat video menyanyi super happy ! Nak share video but payah share kat blog sorry sangat everyone . Lagipun nak respect privacy kawan . dayah wish aku . tak ramai orang wish aku but so far everything going better this year i hope so la . hadiah ? hahaha secret lerrr .

ok flashback . or throwback . Aku ni dulu memang innocent hati nipis je mcm kuli telur . i mean kulit lapisan putih tu bukan kulit telur yg keras yg luar tu . Aku baca balik post aku and i be like i wanna cry . Dulu memang tak kuat langsung . sikit2 nk nangis hahaha maklum zaman innocent sekarang hik hik hak hak setan . Sedih juga bila baca orang layan macam sampah . orang gila dota and everything sakit gak hati but now better . Dulu tak bermesej berminggu benda biasa , sekarang ?sehari je tak balas ke kejap je iphone alert tak berhnti haaa . dulu orang layan mcm last choice sekarang jececlyn is my first priority hahahahaha . bagus juga aku pun jarang nangis pasal cinta sebab so far sekarang aku bahagia . dengan siapa ?  encik sushi hohoho yes bru jeee .best juga tapi dia ni at malaysia bukan orang sini . Staff baru sushi king  . so yes handsome juga dia ni . Baik , comel , prihatin kami selalu video call walaupun dua minggu je .hik hik. Da suka makan sushi alang alang pakej dapat laki kerja dekat kedai sushi king actually dia ada cerita yg kerja at sushi king memang susah nak belajar sbb everything da packing siap but is ok ambil pengalaman la .orang dia kurus tapi pipi tembam and tinggi . hahaha syok la tu jess . haa syok juga happy ! so aku setia pada dia ni je la . sebab dia the best lagipun aku memang sensitive dengan kawan lelaki duduk dalam bas pun mcm separuh bdn je at kerusi kalau terpaksa duduk dengan lelaki aku betul tak boleh ada body contact mcm errrrr tak selesa who the fuck re you !but so far kat sini aku selamat sbb tak lawa sangat but ada juga hahahah lalala .

hari tu pergi rumah vicky best sebab ada kucing and anjing this is the heaven for girl like me .
vicky aunty animal lover dan pernh selamat kucing liar roughly sekarang rumah dia ada lebih kurang 10 ekor kucing bebas dn 3 ekor anjing .kucing dia lawa dari aku , kau dn kau serious tak bohong kucing ni memang tak bole bawa keluar uk .seekor anjing jenis size kecil lupa baka apa mcm chiwawa la then dua ekor besar german shepherd anjing polis tu tau kan . but dua ekor ni selalu kurang kalau orng datang kalau tak ada org datang rumah memang lepas dalam rumah bebas . sebab anjing ni besar dn sangat protective . bila lepas kena pakaikan mask mulut anjing sbb risau dia attack bila ada tetamu at rumah .hari tu main dengan 3 ekor anjing ni heaven tak actually dua ekor je . seekor german shepherd betina tu ganas . haha german shepherd dua ekor ni adik beradik aku cuma main dengan jesse yang jantan . sebab vicky aunty cakap sebelum jesse tak berani nak pergi dekat dengan orang and im the first one and jesse like me . well ada chemistry ni aku kan bakal vet (hopefully success) and i love jesse back so damn much nak peluk nak baring je atas jesse omaigoshhh

try and error puasa

hello ,
apa khabar semua ? *sopan* . kita tahun bulan ramadhan dah nak sampai bulan enam ni memang istimewa buat kawan kawan aku yg muslim . Sebab apa ? 6 june haaa birthday aku la . Haha gurau je selain 6 june birthday actually mulanya semua muslim berpuasa dn masuknya bulan ramadhan . So kali ni first time jauh dari kawan saya cuba puasa awal sebab nak buat persediaan awal awal .Actually hari ni puasa pun satu benda yg tak plan . Bangun dari tidur fikir . Haa hari ni aku puasa lah senang rehatkan digestive system aku . So dgn tak sahur everything get into mood fasting. Well don't really ask me how i feel . Because basically i don't even know how i feel . A bit lapar , a bit dahaga dan kerap nak masuk tandas. Badan ada rasa panas sikit mungkin sbb tk minum air . just yg tk tahan kerap pergi tandas . Bila nak mandi play lagu bila nak nyanyi , alamak aku puasa satgi sakit tekak tak boleh minum air aiyoyoyo hanya mampu menari .hari ni so far tak pergi city centre sbb i really have nothing to do but percaya otak dah fikir buka puasa nak makan apa like long way to go . Hari ini aku buka puasa pukul 9:30 malam aduiiii lama lagi doh dah terbayang sushi .but aku rasa nanti buka puasa aku makan buah je kowt tak rasa nak makan berat sbb on mood ...secret . so slowly . aku tabahkan diri sekarang kat sini baru nak masuk pukul 5 .hahaha tabahkn diri sayang . Bila start puasa tdi tu kelam kabut uiik . Satgi buka puasa kul berapa ? aduhh dah la taktau sebab selama ni kat malaysia ada jadual kat sini ada try cari jadual pun payah tak dapat . Aku rasa waktu puasa ni ikut waktu matahari terbenam dan terbit but takut silap tanya kawan dn cikgu semua awal awal kecut tak ada orang balas then nasib baik dayah balas i feel better baru teringat kan ada apps . hik hik so lega sikit . sebab aku nak puasa awal takut nnti betul tiba hri untuk puasa aku tak ley pulak . aku ada baca feel blog orng puasa kat uk. Ada terbaca ramai yg tk puasa dn ganti puasa waktu winter sbb masa siang lebih singkat well dont be judgemental maybe betul betul diaorang tak tahan so ya . ada juga org ckp kalau tak biasa ikut je mcm waktu malaysia but no no .i wanna do it and i can . So ya teheee dont worry aku mampu dan boleh .. and happy birthday juga kawan aku kat malaysia yg birthday 5/6 so ya happy birthday and be happy always dari kawan lama kau ni haha bye !

dinner and snapchat

helo reader ,

today i went for dinner or tea what they called here .Jimmy  , Chen and Ying Ying . The Thai restaurant is very unique , the decoration all is super awesome . I just snap a few photos a little photos. I update about this because i just say something out to feel better . I saw a man , a thai man that worked that made me remember of one my old friends long time ago . Actually i don't know why when i saw this man i suddenly remember of my old friend , maybe because he look like my old friend last time when he just finish his spm with funny mustache hahaha and my old friend is also a bit mixed of thai so maybe that why it made me suddenly remember him when i saw this man .But it was long time ago friends :) move on .

here are the photos

 lawa sangat sangat tempat and makanan pun sedap sebab makanan thai pedas manis ngam dengan selera aku yg pak cik pakai spec ni ialah jimmy uncle haha. Ying ni ialah anak kepada Chen umur 3 tahun saja tapi pandai bila duduk dalam kereta lampu isyarat merah dia reti suruh mak dia berhenti mommy stop stop .haha comey dia ni .Suka main and the best thing is dia ni suka dengan aku . Haha nak pergi tandas pun suruh aku bawa dia . Dia ni da tido seorang bru tiga tahun reti tido seorang dah tak pakai pampers hebat tak ? reti pergi tandas , tapi kena pegang dia bila weee wee sebab kan budak pungkoq kecil . Dalam kereta main dengan dia . Dia ni suka main gelatek tickles yg aku hairan satu benda dia suka gelatek boob aku , for me budak lagi tapi reti pulak cakap boob. Dia raba boobie aku , then tanya la sentuh boob kak , dia cakap nak tengok ada susu tak . -..- budak ni hahahahahaha dia cakap saya pun ada boob then dia tunjuk hahahahaha  aduh sakit perut gelak dengan dia ni .Da reti makan sendiri and pandai bercakap . Bila kita kata no kat dia , dia akan tanya why ? why ? bagus budak otak berkembang cepat maybe sebab chen aunty pentingkan displin and ying ni nakal juga kadang bila ayah dia ada but bila dengan ayah dia tak keluar sekali tak nakal sangat . Sebab bila mak dia cakap NO ayah dia ada dia akan cakap daddy say yes. hahahahahahahhaahha !!seronok main dengan dia , tiap kali nak hantar aku balik dia selalu tak mak dia boleh kak lyn (me) stay here . semalam pergi bbq kat umah chen pun sama .Da kul 9 lebih but hari cerah macam kul 7 bayang kan la dia kena masuk tido aku pun masuk bilik dia nak tengok dia tido nak cakap bye seblum balik. Bila aku nak balik dia cakap boleh tak aku stay dengan dia malam ni . then mak dia cakap kak lyn kena balik tido tau dia jawab apa ? kak lyn boleh tido dengan saya sekali hahaha then mak dia cakap kak lyn kena tanya mommy dia dulu and lain kali kak lyn akan datang lagi . Lastly semalam waktu nak hantar kami balik dia ikut sekali kejap je dah tertido dalam kereta . tadi waktu ajak aku keluar aku baru bangun dari tido petang first aku malas pi then Ying ying cakap kat mak dia 'can ah lyn jie jie come with us ?' then mak dia cakap ying ying kena tanya dulu kat ah lyn jie jie . So bila dia tanya aku pun ok sebab ada budak kan seronok sikit tak ada bosan kat rumah . 

So ada tangkap gambar guna filter snapchat . hahah comey tak kami ? dah gemuk dah but nah is ok heeee.. follow me on snapchat:jececlyngreenie ayah ying ying mat salleh so muka kacukan comey gak . but seriously handsome mana pun mat salleh kat sini tak rasa tertarik sebab budaya diaorang ada satu yg aku tak boleh terima , mereka jenis open so tak berapa taat at ibu bapa bagi diaorang normal ibu bapa pun tak kisah but i really can't accept that . ok byeee love ya , english pun ada pelat sini sikit dah . bila tak dengar orang cakap something biasa kita malaysian akan cakap what ? but kat sini it actually sound rude diaorang biasa guna pardon but aku guna perkataan sorry ?hee acah acah sopan teheee .TATA

i love ying ying !

                                                       

Dia suruh aku pakai headband dia sebab aku tak ada
dan pulangkan waktu nak balik nanti dia cakap
sweet right budak ni ?

Ni gambar hari tu saja share sbb comey hee

Ye Qu by Jay chou translation lyric

I just stuck in this song . I love the melody it make me a bit emo haha .Hope everyone enjoy the translated lyric .Lagu ni orang suka dengar lama lama zamn 80 -90 an tak akan minat rasanya .. But this song really so nice .Minat  Jay Chou dengar la ye . I dont own this translation lyric ya .

Nocturne

Rotten flesh swarmed by blood hungry ants.

I am motionless, staring at the lonely scenery,

Without you, love and hate starts to become clearer,

Without you, there is nothing else worth being happy for.

When doves do not signify peace, I am finally alerted,

that what flocks in the town square are actually vultures,

I use lovely rhymes to describe the stolen love.

 

Ahh, clouds start to block vision and the night is no longer clear.

The funeral's echo in the part is travelling all around the sky.

The white rose I gave you became worthless in the darkness.

The crows were roosting eerily quiet on the branches.

Quietly hear my grey cloak wanting to warm you. 

Memories that turn cold day after day.

Life went on and on

Ahh, all around is mist. I stand before an open graveyard,

promise to love you till I turn old.

 

Playing Chopin's nocturne for you,

to remember the dead love inside me.

Sounds like the wind at night.

The pleasant sound of my heart breaking.

Fingers playing gently on the keyboard.

I carefully yearn,

that you're buried in the nether world.

 

Playing Chopin's nocturne for you,

to remember the dead love inside me.

Helping you to stay unknown,

playing the piano under the moonlight.

My feelings for your heartbeat,

remains warm and clear,

remembering your blood red lips.

 

Those broken-winged dragonflies, spread out in this forest.

But my eyes show not the slightest sympathy.

Without you, every drop of water remains turbid.

Without you, I will never smile the way I did.

Wind mocks my sadness above the mossy roof.

I use poignant words,

to describe that love I regretted losing.

Not everything is worth to be fixed sometimes it just better when you let go . Don't think and be so serious about everything that causes you stay at the same place and can't move on-Jececlyn Greenie-

catch me up on snapchat:jececlyngreenie. 

review Maybelline Instant Pore Eraser

hello
Today i gonna review the instant pore eraser *clap* . I bought it from Superdrug for 7.99 pounds . The packaging is small suitable to bring for travel . I honestly do not really satisfied with this product because it really not working on me or maybe i used it on the wrong way. i see no changed  at all. Sorry but the truth 

THIS THE NUDE FACE .

AFTER APPLY

AFTER GOING FEW HOUR WITH
IT

SO REALLY NOT WORK . I WILL GIVE 3 OUT 10 .
SORRY FOR THE DIGUSTING BLACKHEAD.

BYEEEEEE

Inspired by Once Again songs from DOTS

Sorry everyone for being emo back. This is just random saying inspired by ONCE AGAIN by Kim Na Young ft Mad Clown . This is really nice song .I enjoyed the rap parts .

Sorry for ever being silly trusting things i shouldn't
I can't accept the truths .
Sorry for letting myself blind ,
My heart blinded everything the past .
I forget almost everything , because of the heart.
You left me badly , without turning back
Without stare or glance me for once .
You heart bloody cold ,
Yet the lesson learnt haven't enough for this poor heart.
Yet still keeping pieces of you inside of me .
When you leave without feeling anything
You leave the difficult moment of my life.
My future destroy ..
You the causes of disaster in me .
I'm blindly keeping feeling for you .
Time to walk away ,

Whatever damn come into my mind is you.
I can't let go
But i want to move a step and step away from you.
Sorry for still never forget a heartbreaker like you
Sorry still wanna love you
When everything is proven wrong .
Sorry to myself .
Let myself sink in the good memories
When the pain you put me in is more than every good memories
I almost lost my life .
I don't want to live without you .
But you don't deserve me .
Keep telling myself i need to stop
Stop in the illusion of love
When there is actually no love exist
When you left me during the hardest time of my life
Even doing my exam , i feel wanna cry
I can't focus , i wanna vomit . .
Disaster of my losing appetite 


Almost every papers there is tears that shouldn't fall .
I fail to study and focus ..
Because keeping looking for you .
Being lost in the memories
Let the dreams haunt me every night
Crying every night
For thinking all is my fault that causes you choose to leave .
But actually the real reasons ,
You don't love me anymore ,
That made you take the cruel step
Leave me during my biggest turning point of my life.
I cries every  night ..
But a word from you .
Could put me the highest sky like a heaven
When i shouldn't feel anything .
I don't want be without you anymore .
But there is no turning back for everything ever happen
Please don't lies to me
Say you ever care ,
Say you still there for me .
sorry for ever still hold that feeling  for you and thinking you love me .