losing bff hurt

hi ,

I think I'm over it , but it still make me sober when everytime he appeared on my mind . I can accept we re over . I don't wish you ever come back to me again I hope that you will be happy with the life you re having now . I feel sucks . When i feel terrible and low then your name appear on my mind , I wish i could ask you to call me and talk for an hour without feeling bored and tired like we used to do. I regret so many things when i think back if only i can turn back time i will . .

Tak semua benda boleh diganti , kawan yg baik lagi la .Tak sangka kehilangan kawan baik boleh sakit mcm ni . Sakit sangat2 bila org relax gurau awk kn bff sya padahal kita tau bukan . everything had past . Memang sedih kehilangan dia sbagai kekasih but lagi sakit bila dia bukan setakat kekasih tapi kawan baik yg pernh bersama dgn kau lalui saat kau paling low dlm life.Yes every friendship end for a reason . I feel wanna cry , dlm 2 tahun ni , aku jadi lain selagi boleh tahan aku telan semuanya sbb takut aku jadi lost bila kawan baik aku bukan lagi kawan even sampai tak ada  keberanian nak tegur & bila tegur bru nak luah rasa cam dah la jess just forget it ,org  tak kisah pun kau tu sedih mana.Dalam hampir 2 tahun aku jarang nak luah kat org tpi slow slow bljr luah kat member dlm france army sbb semua perempuan kn ..Aku tak tau kenapa aku perlu sedih sgt bila teringat ex bff aku ni , tabah wahai jess everything will be fine , dia pun relax happy je tanpa kau sbgai kawan baik jess oii . bangun pls !! 

kalau masa boleh diundur mungkin aku akan pilih first , sedar dari awal yg selama ni dia suka kat aku and balas perasaan dia or second choice aku pilih trus buat bodoh dn abaikn hint dia . Kan best kalau kita tak start bercinta ? Tak perlu sampai skrg nak cakap pun segan dn susah . takdir tuhan maybe ada hikmatnya . :) Aku tak ley wei bukan aku tak nak , bukan aku benci bukan aku sombong tapi aku tak mampu berat bgi aku . Serabut pala fikir nasib baik ada ecah hahahahaha . Tak salah jadi bff dgn ex kau sendiri but susah sgt bila kau btul2 pernh jatuh cinta dekat dia and many thing happen btw both of you. It took me 4 YEARS ! to realized my bff fall in love with me and I destroy everything within a year .Omg bodohnya aku hahahahahahahah.Aku pernh try buat normal balik mcm kami kawan dulu cuba luah kat dia bila aku sedih tpi aku tau cara dia balas dia tak kisah pun mampus pi kat aku right hahahaha !!So i find my own way :) sini tak ada stray cat kalau ada mesti da pergi bgi makan and automatic mood akan jdi better

She paints a pretty picture ,
But the story has a twist,
Her paint brush is a razor ,
And her canvas is her wrist ,
She paints a pretty picture ,
In a colour that's blood red ,
She ends up finally died ,
Her pretty pictures fading
Quite slowly on her arm ,
The blood is not racing through her ,
She can no longer do harm ,
She painted her pretty picture ,
But her mind was her razor
And her heart was her wrist . 

Sorry ni aku baca dari wattpad and find it really disturbing my mind . Like super deep arghh . Suka tapi seram at the same time . Luckily aku dah tak stress . I find many notes about suicide i wish i found it earlier waktu aku sekolah rendah kan best ? Mungkin aku skrg aku da penuh parut dekat tangan and paha . self harm is wrong yup setuju kenapa nak cedera kn diri sndiri right ? But those people don't understand , kau tak faham . Her mind was monster , sakit physical tak sesakit mental yg lalui . Not everyone that cut themselves re stupid they re just innocent girl who decide not to let her pain hurt others while other judge her . Sometimes  cutting themselve turn into addiction because it is the only way they know to distract themselve ftrom the demon in them . Aku pernah banyak kali juga aku sedih , kecewa, putus cinta , low , diabaikn and etcs , kau nak tnya sakit aku cmna ? Sampai aku rasa waist aku bergetaq crying ask me to end it . bhgian waist urat tu bergetaq is real and i have to try cry silently tahan semuanya aku rasa nak jerit stop it !!!!but i end up crying till i fall a sleep . Tambah2 masalah family i kinda emo emo kid . Tu je la , Be kind to other , kalau kau tgk perempuan pernh parut bhgian wrist bgi dia semngat jgn pndng rendah kat mereka kay :)